a tender place

I arrived home this morning, knocked on what used to be an empty door, to see my mom sitting on the floor, doing her small quilting craft things. Roy was on my bed, David lee was on the floor, caleb was in a tangle of blankets right beside diddy, I was happy to be home. Anyways its good to have my mother here. I hope it will be something special. I want to be able to serve her and be a big blessing to her. I want to be more loving and caring to her. I hope she becomes a grandmother soon. I think my sister is going to get married next year.

Anyways I took two weeks out to go help in the relief efforts in the Philippines. It was one of the most memorable trips for me. I actually replay the events when I close my eyes. It seems my life moves so fast sometimes that I can barely take time to reflect on it, this is different though. I see all the smiling faces, I see the crying faces, I see the poor faces, I see the blind faces, and in all these I see the joy. The Filipino people are quite amazing. They might have one of the most hospitable cultures in the world, and they are so selfless in their giving. It may not always be the best thing. They love joking together when they have times of chilling out together, man if only I knew more of their tongue, my good friend Em said we'd be cracking up all day. Hes a real good guy. They love to play, after our two day medical missions at one of the churches in metro Manila we had a great time of extended fellowship with a lot of the youth and young adults within that congregation. My good man Raffy whos really gifted in guitar and music (it seems like all Filipinos are gifted in dance and music) was a huge blessing to me. He helped us go into the 'refugee' centers, a school that they turned into a place where families found shelters, and he helped us to gather people to pray for them. We prayed with and for over a hundred people and I dont think Nathan and I would have been able to experience that without their sincere love. These small steps have really changed my life, in two weeks they really have been a huge blessing to me. It was my promise to them to continue to keep them in my mind and in my prayers. Thats all they wanted, more than money, more than food, more than shelter, they just wanted prayer. They were so grateful to God even in the worst of circumstances, they were just so thankful for their family and their own lives. They weren't bitter and angry, I couldnt explain it. When we would pray, most of the time it would be whatever, but it was the times when people would start getting tears that I would really wonder what God wanted to do. Thats why my heart is wanting to chase God, because he really comes alive and speaks in the hardest of times, to any people any time. We worked with Native Partners for World Missions (NPWM) which was started by our mother church Jeil Sungdo. It is so awesome to see so many different churches participating in this mission group. I'm so suprised in how much madam Hwang pours out her time and money into this thing. Its a powerful ministry that has over 16 countries represented and probably hundreds of churches. With them we bought 200 bags of rice and distrubuted that to the different churches and communities in the typhoon effected areas. We fumed for mosquitos, we visited small mountain churches and had wonderful times of prayer and worship. These little things that come together are so perfect and so needed. One guy with a mosquito smoker that was able to lend it to us may just have prevented hundreds of families from getting bit up by mosquitos carrying things even more gnarly than malaria. One pastor with a friend in the pharmacy was able to put a team of over 10 medical doctors and dentists that serve over a 1000 people, giving medical check ups, prescription drugs, and even tooth pullings. We were able to be a part of that by being available to lend a hand and be a lover to pray for as many people as we could who were waiting in the different lines. and then the team I was with, my team, they were awesome. I saw hearts healed, attitudes transformed, bondages and dependencies broken off of children (picking up cigarette butts on the ground) just by loving on them and showing them goodness and mercy for ten fifteen minutes. Its my favorite testimony when I saw a sister who doesn't have a heart for children, get a crazy loving heart for children. Its my favorite thing to witness, and when you witness, their love shines. The most beautiful thing. I'm excited, because the things unseen, have to be waited on. And all the prayers went somewhere, and I know they went up, into inscence bowls, being filled, with prayer and petition, till God tells the angels to throw them down to earth, and turn our lives inside out. The Philippines is poor, and many are even more poor in spirit, I believe God wants them just there. The righteous are going to stand up and they are going to go into the world, the Filipinos are going to stand up, and they're going to go into the nations with their loving and affectionate hearts, and they're going to do Isaiah 61. What i've been learning is that Gods thoughts are so much higher than my own, Pro 3:5 says trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. This just encouraged me so much. When I think God 'didn't' meet my expectations, this just says he has something so much more in store. Anyways I promised Em i'd be back within two years, I've said it once, and its happened before.
but even though this trip was so amazing, I had such a rough day today.
I barely could function. I didn't want to sleep when I needed to, I didn't want to eat when I should have, I felt restless, oppressed, and worn down empty. I tried to swing into my routine and I struggled and had to leave early. I tried putting my effort to my responsibilities but nothing made sense. It was only till I got home after trying to live, and went into my bedroom, saying I don't want anything from this world, because its making my heart hurt, and I just want to spend some time with the one that matters.

I sang songs, I read the red print that are the words of Jesus, and I was face down in meditation upon my life. I layed down my hardships, how school could potentially overwhelm me, how I can't made a solid friend within my major, how I am selfish, a falling sinner the second I got off the plane. I told him my desires; for intimacy not only with him. I told him I just want to be available, not to be known, or large, or strong, or mighty. I just want to be available. The vision I hold onto still seems impossible for me, all the details and the this and thats, whos and hows. Its not my duty, I just need to keep dreaming and I believe doors will open on their own.

I need to rest though.
God bless ya'll

expression and sometimes the lack of it

Starting off with the not so good.

I've had difficulties expressing myself vocally. It used to be so easy for me to box up and just refer to myself as, this is who I am. These words I spoke over myself had so much power and restrained me from the full potential in the relationships that I built. My eyes are being opened though. My roomate David has been a huge encouragment to me and a big challenge as well. At first I thought our rooming together would be easy go lucky and it would have been if we didn't want to sharpen each other into something better.

I had an encounter, a couple of times, Davids from NY, they have a different sense of humor out there. On multiple occasions he was joking around and he crossed the line, but he didn't know he was stepping on that boundary. I didnt speak up and as he kept messing around with me I blew up. I should have acted out of love and spoken, but I acted out of frustration and didn't act in a right manner. We both calmed down real quick and I was quick to forget about what happened, but later when we were walking home he brought it up. He told me I couldn't be acting like that, if it was anybody else it could have escalated into something far worse and even more ridiculous. Looking back in my past too, I used to blow up like this. Out of frustration in a moments notice, when I thought I was patient, crossing that line really blew up my temper. It has been revealed now that I need to be patient, and be acting out of love. I'm sure we are going to have many more run ins, but I'm really glad we talked this one through. I'm not willing to be put into a box anymore, i'm not satisfied with the weaknesses in my personality, and I'm definately not just going to live with it.

Moving on Emmaus had a retreat this past weekend and it was a really blessed time for all of us. I really had a heart that was falling away from this ministry, but I was really encouraged to ownership of this Christian Fellowship. Looking at it, I am a fruit birthed from this ministry, it is doing a very good thing. It was different this time though, instead of the students coming to receive and just be blessed, we ended up being called to give. We had a prayer meeting blessing each other, we spoke kind and encouraging and up lifting words to one another and ourselves, then we blessed the ministry. As we were praying for the ministry I took a look around at all the students in the intimacy of the spirit and really saw them taking up their cross and taking up the calling to push for greater things to be done with this ministry. This ministry is the students, and what is comes to is how much we put into it. I saw their passions rise and I saw how huge all of our potentials were, it was a very beautiful and special moment for me.

I've also been joining Ywam, Youth with a Mission, at my school in hongdae. The involvement has just been wanting to make friends, but my heart is wanting to grow deeper for the Korean students of my school. Its a new season for me, after being with Yicf, and Emmaus for (this is my fourth semester) three semesters, its been placed on my heart to take that step I havent yet, and put 100 percent into reaching out to the Korean people. I find many challenges and wait patiently upon Gods timing and wisdom in making this transition, but I'll be attending worship on Tuesday with Ywam instead of Emmaus more frequently. Its a huge step of faith, leaving the community of English speakers to be immersed in a Korean ministry. I'm really excited though, because the spirit of God stays the same in all cultures and peoples and languages. Not only by reaching out to the Christian Koreans, I want to be a better friend to my class mates. I want to have a heart that wants to share with them and play with them and love on them. I'm excited to see my heart grow for them.

I'm hoping that as my heart grows for my Korean class mates , my heart will develop for the broken hearted in North Korea. I really want to enter that land and be an encourment and a blessing to those who have faced so much persecution and hardships through so many years of dictatorship. This is just the beginning.

3:21pmPeter
... thats hard for me to udnerstand
3:22pmYoungkyung
I am a worshipper...
I am a worshipper...
that is who I am...I need to do what I should do...
3:23pmPeter
yeahh you are. I'll be praying for you too
3:23pmYoungkyung
last whole year I have been struggling with it
extrem and passionsate worship I was expecting...and looking for...
like as I used to do that in NC
but same time I love to stay in jsem
3:26pmPeter
I know, we all love you too.

3:26pmYoungkyung
thank you...I love you guys too..
pray for me....I just want His will
not what I tend to...love to...
but His way
3:27pmPeter
I will and will and will
3:27pmYoungkyung
힝...피터....
3:27pmPeter
ㅠ_ㅠ3:28pmYoungkyung
3:28pmPeter
누나 it'll be really good
3:28pmYoungkyung
누나 생각해주는 사람...피터 밖에 없구나....우잉...ㅠㅠ


it touched my heart...it moved my heart

very spiritual...I could feel your heart...emotion

what the...is it really peter???

that I was telling to myself...haha

3:31pmPeter
its what i've prayed always, God let me express your emotion through my arts and hand, I didn't konw he was answering my prayer
3:32pmYoungkyung
yes!! he answered...

God is good. Jesus, keep on.

fixing a broken heart.

I dont care what you look like, I dont care what kind of job you have, I dont care how much money you have. If you would go into the darkest of places, into the lives of the very broken, and pour all that your heart is able to out into these people, you hold a very special place in my heart.

Its so hard speaking with friends who just dont know. To speak to a friend who can talk lightly about prostitution, when there are children, boys and girls, having to sell their bodies to be raped just for a piece of daily bread.

I looked for photographs concerning garbage dumps and the children that suffer trying to find things to eat and sell. The comments made me feel so shallow, 'great composition, powerful shot, this makes my heart ache' I feel so worldly. What good and use is my photography. I thought about this. Its only when I get there, to show the world of the absolutely broken, and then tell the story of how Jesus healed their disease, gave them their daily bread, poured out so much more love to forgive themselves for the lives they had to live, and show the new wine skin, bestowed on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. I dont really know how I'd respond. If I was taken to a garbage dump site, would I be able to withstand the sensory overload. Imagine hearing the cries of children sick and starving, image the piles of garbage, flies, rotting food that'd I'd be stepping on, the smells coming from all of that. I'd probably gag. I'd also probably be told to hug that child thats on his hands and knees, I'd probably be told to give him something to eat, I'd probably try and speak with him, tell him I love him.

http://edition.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/asiapcf/05/29/heroes.noun/index.html
When I saw this come on the news... I thought she was doing a good thing. To call her a hero, thats another thing. As I was watching this in Phnom Pehn in 2008, I looked over behind the desk beside the tv to the cork tumbtack on the wall, where pictures of sister Sothea were posted. The pictures showed she was working with a small group of young orphan adults, ministering in the same garbage dumps, reaching out to the starving, sick, lost, and broken. They went out with gifts, and encouragments, and love. Right under my nose I saw the news being lived. Its only a step away. i'm one step away from, instead of seeing the child who is joyful and so happy to be loved and welcomed into home to one step of seeing him before, when I'd be taking that abandoned child from off the garbage dump, broken, starving, and looking for a home. Thats a real testimony.

I worry about the simplest things in life. The next excuse I'll have to make so I wont have to help with the school theme week, if I'll be able to reserve a moving truck. If I'll be able to clean my home, before I move my furniture. Sometimes I just do take things for granted. I skip one meal and complain of my hunger. I feast my eyes on clothes, cameras, girls, the worthless thing they're selling on the corner. Whats it all for. Sometimes I wish I was able to sell it all, give it to the poor, and follow Jesus into the areas where his love is greatest. I'm that young rich man, who walks away unable to do so.

I never realized I'd been sent out of Minnesota. I hadn't figured out what drew me to Korea in the first place. That purpose is still unknown, but that purpose is still yet to be revealed.

I was so selfish. And it feels like I'm even more now. I know so much more I need to give it all I have, but I dont. I'm learning though. I'm trying to be the best servant I can be. Its not about what you can take from people, its about what you can give. My friends have given me such a diverse upraising, and now its my turn to go out and bless friends, family, brothers and sisters.

This is what my heart broke for recently. Now you know.

We all sit on different paths, I'm just waiting for ours to meet up again. I hope this is speaking to you.

At joon's dads place.

As i walk into the studio (of my wheel throwing prof, an hour and a half our of Seoul) past low work tables covered with baskets and crates full of plates and ceramic pieces, past jars and pots that line the walls and shelves, past cylinders of tools, brushes and glazes, I walk to the right, following my buddy Joon as he calls me that way, I walk to the second room, that is a little more dimly lit, with a bookshelf of small pots and more tools and paddles and brushes, I see a low table with a cut out for a wheel, that sits with a small square stool, and a bucket of water that is 3/4 filled with settled slip and clay, and I take a 270 look around and see a door to my left, a large wooden table that is a little more than knee high (sort of a traditional sitting area) that too has the same as which was covering the other surfaces of the studio, I see a large metal shelf with bowls and the large jars that could look like the moon, for they are textured, and full of ash that must have come from the wood kilns that sat outside in the open warehouse right outside these studios. This is a studio/warehouse, which its hallways are made from tall shevles, with walls made from stacks and stacks of plates, cups, saucers, and those large moon jars, varying from porcelain, to woodfired stoneware, to unglazed terra cotta. I double backed towards the entrance of the second studio and found the dark cooridor that led to a third room, a narrow passage made to look as though it was a hallway, and I walked past a shelf a little more than ten feet and turned to the stair case that climbed up next to the walk, with gaps large enough where choco could easily fall to the depths (fricken choco) as I walked up this stair case, that ran perpendicular to the roof's rafters more shelves started to appear in my periferal vision to the left, and as I reached the top I saw rows and rows, to my awe filled with thousands of lidded boxes, water droppers, vases, jars, cups, plates, handbuilt figures, sculptures, and who knows what was in the depths of the shadows. This warehouse room was being lit by the "upstairs studio" which its threshold was glowing white with light. I walked past 3 or 4 shelves and stepped into this room, Joon already entered and I stepped down and took a seat on the small stair case, looking around at this room, in which I felt the atmosphere change as though it were a different dimension. there was a peace about this room, and elegance and respect so to say. Coming from the gray concrete, metal shelves, and the caos of ceramics covereing everything, this room was different. to my left stood tears of small wooden steps so to say, with a display of wood fired 'moon' jars. on the adjacent wall stood a large porcelain jar, nearly rising to my waist, and I felt into and gave it a nice flick to hear its ting compared to the tang of stoneware. there was a respect in these pieces, directly across from the doorway where I entered stood a well made wooden shelf that streched in an L fashion, with large square holes where pieces stood, altered bowls the size of my chest, in a shape of a heart, with a slight tint of red that came through the wood fire, about twenty large pieces stood in this shelf. as I turned towards the door, a small sitting table was covered with books and papers, and along the wall was a small shelf of books, ceramic figures, and what stopped me for a moments were these three small figures of an buddhist idol and a small mirror and I sat and pondered for a bit. just pondered. I wont get into it. anyways as I walked back out it struck me in awe once again, the backlit pieces where the light was trying to reach as far as it could, only brushed the edges, so the shoulders, lips and rims had a small glow where the light reflected, and I tried exploring again but the pieces turned into dark shadowed figures. I walked back towards the stair case, down through the cooridor, through one room, out another and back outside facing the home, where my prof called me to get joon and grubble some dinner. I wondered about if i'll get to have a studio someday as this. where right outside the front door of the house, stood stacks of split wood, waiting to enter one of the two wood kilns, stretching up a slight slant more than twenty feet, to have a large grass yard, and a community in which the neighborhood shares the crops that each family is in charge of growing. (we helped dig some irrigation ditches today) I wondered if I should be a teacher, a professor... to teach my hearts dream. This was a blessed time of thinking about whats in store, I see I have a lot of hard work ahead of me, a lot to learn, and a lot to grow into. I entered the home of an artist, a teacher, and a believer. Just a interesting perspective.

still so pleased to see you

so I got a lift from eddy,
to see my bike, judy, naked.
a feeling that I felt before,
like i've gone and done something wrong,

i thought i've paid for all i've done,
but i'm not quite sure anymore.
do I need to be reminded,
all they knew was their excitement.

My bicycle was parked with the moto's and bicycles at yonsei campus where eddy picked me up so we could go get pizza. and after an evening of hanging out, I returned to see my front and rear tires missing, and the coating of my bike chain being cut. My bike sat bare on the ground.

I think I take things for granted.

this is why

I love close friends. cause you know exactly whats happening, even after months of being apart.

[12:47:43 AM] Andrew Neumiller: solid
[12:48:21 AM] Andrew Neumiller: lol yeah for sure. i wish i could live with all those heads, but at the same time i think i would end up going crazy lol
[12:49:21 AM] ohpedo: haha thats why now instead of doing the pre party clean you can be the mess of the party
[12:50:04 AM] Andrew Neumiller: hahahaha
[12:50:11 AM] Andrew Neumiller: peanut butter and crackers everywehre in the house
[12:50:16 AM] Andrew Neumiller: haha
[12:50:22 AM] ohpedo: not to mention gummy bears and popcorn
[12:50:28 AM] Andrew Neumiller: mmm
[12:50:34 AM] ohpedo: haha fricken coon
[12:50:35 AM] Andrew Neumiller: just coon the shit out of everything
[12:50:37 AM] Andrew Neumiller: hahaha

(notice the time differences)

maybe not the best example but the inside joke workings were precise and remembered. I guess thats my biggest struggle right now, trying to build upon new friends ships that hopefully will be as blessed as the ones I have. Its so hard when the students I meet come for a semester, maybe two, and I guess i'm at fault for not reaching my hand our earlier, but I'm learning how to trust closely again.

And the godly relationship is a beautiful thing, between brothers its not a lot of what and though it may be thousands of miles of way I truly cherish it. When he says pray for...and he trusts in me to lift that up, and we know exactly what it means. Just being able to share the good word, I guess these are new areas in my relationships that I'd like to see expand. Hey max did you ever talk to jon? I held his hand in florence as we prayed over things together, first time i've done that. It was quite a moving time. also in honoring sisters, I've got two choices in perspective. I can look towards attraction, or I can look to respect. I feel its a test, and a hard one at times especially with new relationships being deepened but I really think i'm in a time of growth, and who knows for how long but its okay.

more than once a day you just gotta crack up. life is just so much better that way, and i've forgotten how good it is. I'm being taught old things over again on a daily basis and its awesome. I didnt know why myunghwa was mad at me, but then I found out cause I didn't make sure our sisters got home safetly, I totally looked over the matter, but tonight I made sure to be on that. Also I find waking up and seeing my homework done is so relieving and satisfying compared to waking up and having sheets of korean homework waiting to be done. So lesson I learned today in my early morning get my pottery homework done frustration doing it early is so much easier.
yup yup. and to know when to get off facebook/restrict login, blog, chat, so forth. blah

intense scheduling. sort of

I'm trying to schedule out my days, pretty much hour to hour so this is around week two of trying this schedule and I'm working out a lot of kinks. A major kink is the lack of foundation on studying habits for my entire schooling career up until university, in which I only studied for environmental studies and ceramics. But lucky that my concentration is centered sort of around that area. So I woke at 8:00, which is a little latter than planned but its okay. I proceeded to push ups, a granola bar, some quiet time, and then carelessly ran to Spanish class. In Espanol I read out loud, to be told to reread because my t and another letter was over pronounced, and when asked to translate was one for three in managing, and in that made the class laugh through my korean translation. It entertains me as well, I dont take it that seriously, in that manner that I'm not latino and that I'm pretty american. But after class I headed to kyobo book store on bus 273 during my 11-1 space to find an english to spanish dictionary. On the bus I opened the window and let some of the nice warm breeze in, along with the yellow dust that has flown over from the Gobi dessert. :) along to let out some ridiculous farts, I put protein in some milk this morning and I think the mixture went bad. I'm sorry. So when I arrived walking through the underground passage up the walkway and in through the glass doors I walked past; clocks, pens (monte blanc) headphones, cds, different clocks, watches, molskins, for about 40 meters to the primarily english section where I past (took a look) comics, batman is uber expensive, then to a section on architecture and interior design where I spent a while looking at the different books displying beautiful homes (which I'd love to live in) green homes with some ridiculous exteriors, but some very beautiful with rain roofs or grass roofs that slant into a side of a hill or something wonderful like that. Then I fueled my want to learn more about design and architecture and interior design and then saw an indian korean couple where the father was looking at a home maintence book and I was like oh yeah lets get back to the basics instead of these fantasy picture books. So I waited for him to leave and took a look, and it showed nearly everything from tiling, to fixing squeky floors while using black and decker tools... tools man I do love them, must be a guy thing, when I go to the art store I usually pick up some tool I might need to use for some weird project I decided to do because I might use that tool... what a loop of a sentence. So after I looked at the books I grabbed my spanish dictioary (for beginners) and a comic book, persepolis...and proceeded to check out and head back to class, which I carelessly was late for once again. this was mixed media, which I didn't do my homework but managed to come up with an idea while in class which involves cast molding my face. the upperclassmen who said would help me told me he'd leave me with it on my face for the weekend, and cover my nose and mouth...then I told him if he were really chakhae nice he'd leave me a hole in my mouth so I could eat. (we talk about eating a lot and how hes going to make me banchan side dishes but hasnt because we laugh about me not having a rice cooker) anyways after class they told me I have to clean at five so I had some down time and went to go eat at the haksaeng shikdang which is like 2,700 for a giant pile of rice, jjegae soup, and banchan. thats a good enough meal for me. then I went to the wheel throwing room at 5:10 (its a fluke today, before I started school I'd be 10 minutes early for everything) today I was ten minutes late to everything, got to get back on that being early thang. anways I grabbed a mop and started mopping around and started talking to Lee Een Jin's song Joon who is a cat from LA. Cool dude I suppose at least he speaks english. We were wedging clay and talking and I was like they made us come in for 2 hours after school, for like two weeks in sort of a complaining voice. and the two classmates next to us where like well 'you didnt even come' in Korean, and I started laughing and told him I skipped a lot. I mean I know and knew how to do it. Anyways I'm walking in my skill and thats why some of my assignments are last minute and late...I know its not good...but I was talking today and I explained my encouraging concern that well if they're (classmates) are working this hard, they're gonna run past me. Its okay though, my focus is sort of basic so I'll take it well and slowly and get my basics in firm. Thats my issue, running from the basics. So I've declared this year a year of foundation. At least I'm attemping to remain that way. In all things I'm heading back to the basics and molding and shaping into something credible. Anyways after wheel throwing a little bit I headed to Yonsei for the Emmaus meeting which was a blessing. Erin gave a message on friendship and what it means to be a good friend, and to be one in truth, sincerity, and love. To sharpen each other and bring out the best in one another and so forth. I'd like to get into it but oh well... Its what I was asking for and quite wonderful how things turn out. Afterwards we ate mcdonalds, which I say should be a sin, its like momentary satisfaction of the body that has devesatating effects on the arteries...haha. my joke to myself... I then rode my bicycle home, hopped around and tried some wheelies for a bit then locked up and came in to write this. and I gotta hit the shower soon cause crap its bed time. no matter what I'm doing, like mind wandering or trying to study or clean my room I'm to be in bed by midnight. See what I'm saying I got this schedule discipline in shaping. and I'm going to turn on the heater button ....now..... and wrap up by saying... hmm. well Goodnight.